Nothing but Trouble Page 3

  “Easy. Don’t be afraid, she’s just smiling at you. Smile back. She knows what a human smile means.”

  Tremulously, Linda stretched the muscles around her mouth. Her efforts seemed to approximate a “human smile” close enough for Aphelion’s powers of observation. She made a sharp sound, granted Linda another smile smelling of rotten fruit, then grabbed a fistful of her ponytail and brought it to her mouth.

  “No.” Robert’s voice was firm, but not angry, and Aphelion looked back over her shoulder at her trainer, then let go of Linda’s hair. She brought her hand to her face in a quick gesture.

  “That means ‘sorry,’ Robert told her, repeating the sign and then doing another signal. “Do this sign to tell her it’s okay and she’s forgiven.”

  Linda somehow managed to free one hand to imitate Robert's sign, and received another smile in return.

  “She loves to play with people’s hair,” Robert said. “It’s her way of bonding with them, but she’s supposed to ask permission first. She’s actually very gentle. Maybe you’ll allow her to play with yours when you know each other better.”

  “I’ll teach her to use a hairbrush,” Linda said. Carefully she lowered Aphelion to the floor, and righted herself again. Feeling brave, now that the thing was not wrapped around her neck anymore, she patted her on the head. “Good chimp. Next time we’ll do the girl thing and maybe we can even move on to a blow dryer and curling iron later on.”

  The chimp looked up at Linda, then wrapped her arms tightly around her legs, just as she’d done with Robert earlier. Robert chuckled, a sound she hadn’t heard from him before. It sounded nice, but for some reason had the side effect of bringing her mind back to that kiss that had never happened. “She likes you. She only imprisons people she likes, so that’s quite an honor.”

  “Good... chimp,” Linda muttered, scratching the animal that rubbed her large head against her in return. “I like you too.”

  “Perihelion is a bit more aggressive and difficult. It’s better that you stick with Aphelion for a while. But you still have to get to know him. He has to know you’re Aphelion’s friend, or he might try to protect her from you.”

  “That does not sound reassuring.”

  “He’s not dangerous,” Robert assured her. “And I’ll be with you at all times. But he can be frightening when he’s sticking up for his girlfriend here.” He swiveled the chair Perihelion was sitting in. “Not unlike the human male, when you think about it. Pick up Aphelion, then come over here and shake his hand. He’ll get the message.”

  Linda did as he said, anxiety fluttering in her stomach as she shook hands with the male. The deep brown eyes looked at her carefully, then at Aphelion. Then he turned himself back to the desk.

  Linda glanced at Robert, unsure if she was being snubbed or just royally dismissed. “Well? What’s the verdict? Did I pass the test?”

  “Yeah. You passed.” He smiled at Aphelion as she jumped down from Linda's arms. “That’s enough for now,” he said. “If you can drop by for a few minutes every other day or so until the wedding we should be fine.” He clapped his hands. “Okay, guys, go home.”

  All in all, that hadn’t been so bad. Linda relaxed as she watched the chimps scamper back to their cage. At least she still had all her entrails and her wits. What was more, she hadn’t even flirted with Robert once. Smiling up at the ceiling she congratulated herself on her restraint.

  Robert spent more time locking up the cage than strictly necessary. He wasn’t quite sure of how to behave without the safety zone of the chimpanzees between them. Should he apologize for his behavior last time she was here? He had been rather caveman-like. Then again, she had it coming. He couldn’t truthfully say he regretted a thing, except perhaps that she’d run before the kiss and not after.

  He reached into a cupboard and withdrew the sandals she’d forgotten. “Here,” he said, holding them out to her. “You forgot those on your last visit.”

  “Oh...” Linda took them from him. “I thought the mice must have eaten them since you didn’t ask Ellen to return them or something.” He looked up at her just in time to see that mischievous smile blossom on her face, although she seemed to be trying to restrain it by biting hard onto her lower lip. “Well, either that or you had a thing about women’s shoes.”

  Robert looked at her for a while, not sure how to respond. Then he grinned at her. “Not particularly. On the other hand, I might have a thing about ankles.”

  Her lips parted in surprise, but unfortunately she was quick to recover and sent him one more dazzling smile. He was left with a feeling of victory though. Rattling her was fun.

  He needed to do that more often.

  “How are the mice?” Linda asked.

  “The mice?” He fought a flutter of guilt. Rats. Literally. “The mice are fine. Just fine. Their usual cheerful selves.”

  “Can I see them again?”

  “Uh, sure. If you want to. You really want to?”

  Nodding, Linda walked in the direction of the inner lab. “I want to try to hold one,” she said over her shoulder, then wrinkled her nose as the less than pleasant smell greeted her. “I’ve been afraid of mice since I was little. My brother had one as a pet for a while and I think the only reason he kept that animal was so he could use it to terrify me.” She grimaced. “Anyway, now that I’m over it, I want to pick one up. May I?”

  “I guess...” Robert muttered. He followed her inside, hands stuffed in his pockets as he battled with his conscience. Would now be a good time to tell her they were actually rats?

  She was already bending over one of the cages. “Hi, George,” she murmured, bestowing one of those radiant smiles on the undeserving creature, then turned her head to smile at him in a much more subdued fashion. “George is the only one I recognize again. He’s the one with the broken tail so he’s pretty distinct. The rest still all look alike to me, but George’s special.”

  George? George? That mean-tempered member of the rattus norvegicus species, the furry monster in cage four that had twice managed to bite him even through the protective leather gloves, George?

  “Okay, I’ll just do it. Thinking about it will just make it worse.” She took a deep breath and before he even realized what she was up to, she had opened the cage, reached inside and grabbed George... grabbed lab rat number 23A-X4, and lifted it out.

  Okay, he decided when she gently put the rat down in her palm and then started cuddling it, now was not a good time to inform her of the true nature of her new friend. Or show her the scar on his left thumb. First he needed to get that monster back in its cage.

  “That must have hurt, little guy,” she said to the rat, tracing the sharp bend in its tail with a finger. She looked up at Robert and held the rat up for him to see. “What happened to his tail?”

  Robert was afraid to move. If that rat realized he was in the room, it might remember it was a rat and not a George and revert to its rodent ways. The results would not be pretty. There would be blood.

  Was the creature really nuzzling her palm?

  “His tail? Uh... I don’t know.” He realized he was whispering and raised his voice. “He might have been born that way, or had an accident. He’s been like that all the time I’ve known him.”

  Had he really said ‘known him’? He winced. She was rubbing off on him.

  “Maybe you should just put him back now,” he suggested. “He’s not really used to people handling him a lot.” Her luck couldn’t hold forever, and he’d prefer to have her leave with all her blood still on the inside.

  “Okay.” He watched with relief as she lowered the rat back into the cage and closed it. She put a finger between the wires, something that for him would instantly require a tetanus shot, and stroked the rat’s head.

  Robert muttered an oath under his breath and glared at the sneaky beast. If that rat had the anatomy for it, it would be purring its heart out right now. As it was, it was staring at him with tiny beady eyes, and he could almost hear its s
nicker: ‘Hah! You may have the power to make me run through those mazes, but guess which one of us is getting lucky with Lady Linda?’

  “Bye, George. I’ll see you again on Wednesday, okay?”

  So consorting with the rats was going to be a habit, was it? Lucky George. “You know, they can bite,” he warned her. “You should be careful with them.”

  She dismissed his warning with a flick of her hand. “George doesn’t seem the type to bite. He’s just a big softie. He even kissed me.”

  “He kissed you?” He clamped his mouth shut before commenting further.

  “Well, a mouse kiss. He nuzzled my fingers.” She stared at her hands and then at the sink. “I guess I should wash my hands.”

  “That might be a good idea,” he agreed.

  Linda pushed up the bulky sleeves of her sweatshirt and turned on the water. She hummed as she squirted disinfectant soap on her hands and washed.

  Robert leaned against the wall and watched her. Not that he could see a lot of her in that baggy outfit, but below her ponytail the hair at the nape of her neck was soft and wispy, just begging for his touch, and that was enough to send him off into Illicit Fantasy land.

  If she’d ever choose kiss over run, that’s where he’d keep one hand, right there where the wispy blonde curls met the soft skin of her neck. The other hand should be free, possibly even recruited into a mission of exploration.

  He groaned. She was going to be hanging around his lab all the time for the next two weeks. He really needed to get those hormones under control. Even if something were to happen between them, it wouldn’t be until after that wedding. They both needed level heads and a civil relationship to escort the two apes down the aisle after Ellen and Chris without creating Disaster Wedding of the decade.

  He grinned behind her back as he noticed her faded sweat pants were on the shorter side, revealing her ankles again, this time dressed in thin white socks embroidered with forget-me-nots. Very prim, but her ankles did something to him, covered up or not.

  Yes, he would rein in his hormones for a while. The wedding came first, but after the four of them had fulfilled their duties as friends and were free again, he was making no promises.

  He had plans for those ankles.

  Chapter 3

  “Are we ready? It’s show time!”

  Linda burst into the room, just as Robert was putting the finishing touches on Aphelion’s outfit for the fifth time. She stopped just inside the door and gasped. “Wow!”

  “You’re late,” Robert accused, still crouched on the floor next to Aphelion, fiddling with her bow and hat. “You were supposed to be here an hour ago to help Aphelion look pretty.” Chimp heads just weren’t made for bows. This was beyond ridiculous. “What was that wow for, anyway? She looks a mess, I can’t get this bow to stay put.”

  “The wow was for you, Bob. You look positively gorgeous in that tux. Were your shoulders always that broad?”

  “No, I have silicone implants,” he growled without looking up, too cranky after an hour trying to master the intricacies of feminine accessories for chimps to pay much attention to her compliment. “I can’t believe Ellen seriously wants the chimps all dressed up,” he grumbled as he made another attempt to tie the bow on Aphelion’s hat. The hat slid down over her face and she managed one bite of the brim before Robert snatched it back and, with a well-chosen expletive coloring the air, tied a swift and businesslike knot. “They’re laboratory animals, not circus exhibits. What is she thinking? She’s a scientist, for God’s sake, she should know better.” He pulled experimentally on the hat and it didn’t budge. “There. It may not look frilly and feminine, but it should hold.”

  He straightened just in time to see the hat slide back on Aphelion’s head, the businesslike knot slipping down around her neck. He blew out a frustrated breath. “That’s it. I quit. Dresses and suits and hats and bows... I don’t believe I’m doing this to the poor creatures. And I’ll never understand why a reasonable guy like Chris agreed to this.”

  “Don’t be so neurotic, Bob. We’ll be fine.”

  “Neurotic? You’re calling me neurotic?”

  She moved over to them and kissed his cheek, then patted his other cheek like a well-meaning aunt. “Don’t worry, you’re cute when you’re neurotic. Don’t blame Chris, he didn’t stand a chance once Ellen had made up her mind. You’ll understand when the love of your life turns the puppy eyes look on you a few days before your wedding. Let me handle Aphelion. She needs a woman’s touch.” She pushed him away from Aphelion and grinned at him as she led the animal to the desk. “You’ve got lipstick on your cheek again. I swear, that stuff is supposed to be kiss-proof. Maybe it’s only kiss-proof when it’s mouth-to-mouth.”

  “Just let me know anytime you want to test that theory,” he muttered.

  “What did you say?”

  “Nothing.” She’d heard. He could tell by the smile in her eyes, even as she fought to keep it from spreading to her mouth. Mumbling suggestive things that the other pretended not to hear had been part of the game they’d played for two weeks now. It was fun; it was also torture.

  Just a few more hours. Few more hours and then, as soon as she gave him half a chance, he would grab her and kiss her like he’d been dying to forever.

  She touched him all the time, and he was pretty sure she knew exactly what it did to him. She’d seemed a bit nervous around him the first few days, probably afraid he would turn into caveman mode again. But then she began her barrage of impulsive hugs and kisses on the cheek and pats on the arm, and her smiles and her laughter and her fading nervousness around the chimps and the rats, her cheerful sense of humor about everything under the sun – all those things were slowly driving him out of his mind. Gentlemanly self-control was trickier then he’d imagined. It was killing him.

  But what a way to go. He grinned. It had been fun two weeks.

  The bow seemed more or less in place. Linda was sitting at his desk, with Aphelion on top of it, mumbling to her in that language the two of them had developed.

  Linguistically, it seemed to be somewhere between human-female-speak and chimp-female-speak. It involved a lot of ohs and ahs and giggly sideway glances at him and Perihelion and never failed to make him feel he was back in junior high, observing the newly discovered and mysterious female species with the eye of a teenage anthropologist. He hadn’t thought giggling was a part of the chimpanzee social or anatomical repertoire, but he’d been wrong. Aphelion had taught Linda their sign-language and had even been using some new hand signs recently, that nobody could make sense of except Linda. And she wasn’t telling.

  It was “private”. Aphelion hadn’t even shared those signs with her boyfriend.

  He made eye contact with Perihelion, who was looking dignified in his gray suit. The male chimp was patiently sitting down, playing with a pencil with his toes, and they rolled their eyes simultaneously in a cross-species shared disgust at feminine peculiarities.

  They’d done that a lot lately.

  “Women,” Robert muttered. “Come here, Perihelion. Your tie is all askew again. Stop pulling at it. It’s supposed to make you feel like you’re choking. That’s part of the male experience. It’s our punishment for not having to give birth.”

  Perihelion resisted. He stretched out his leg and pointed at their females with his pencil. Robert followed his directions and had to concede his point. They were looking rather spectacular, both of them. Another wow was definitely in order.

  As if sensing their attention, Linda looked up and smiled. “I’m sorry I’m so late. I had to make myself pretty as well.”

  “You look great, Linda.” She did. She looked perfect. He didn’t know what it was about that shade of green, and the way that dress clung to her, but she did look quite perfect.

  She laughed and winked at him over Aphelion’s head. “Thanks. That’s about the only positive thing about Ellen’s missing fashion-sense gene. I got to suggest the clothes and she only had to veto what she did
n’t like. No gruesome apparel for this bridesmaid.” She kissed Aphelion’s cheek and grimaced. “Ew. We do need to brush your teeth, but then you’re ready, girl. And you’re the cutest chimp of honor I have ever seen.”

  The wedding had Linda bawling into Aphelion’s furry neck while simultaneously cursing herself for getting so emotional. The confused animal hugged her and gently patted her cheeks in an attempt to comfort her, then tried to take advantage of her distraction by running off to join her mate. But two weeks with the animals hadn't been for nothing. Linda held tightly around her neck and clutched her damp handkerchief in the other hand.

  Ellen looked innocent and beautiful in her simple white gown, uncertainty and nervousness completely vanished as she smiled up at her groom. Chris, looking pretty darn gorgeous, she conceded, especially for someone crazy enough to want a best chimp at his wedding, didn’t take his eyes off his bride throughout the ceremony, not even with a whole circus act going on behind his back.

  And on the subject of gorgeous, that was also the best adjective for Robert. His pearl gray tux put even his usual faded jeans and t-shirt to shame and her knees had done their jelly trick when she’d met him back at the lab. His hair was freshly cut too, but she found herself missing the way he impatiently pushed the hair away from his face and the way it got all ruffled when he was playing with the chimps.

  Oh, well. It would grow back, and she guessed he was the type only to get it cut when he really needed to. She’d get her fingers in his hair sooner or later. She was determined to. Playing games was all good and well, but it was time to get down to business.

  After all, it would be shame not to make good use of all that lust.

  The chimps did behave themselves, Perihelion in his gray suit and a bow tie and Aphelion in her pale green dress and hat. Well, they sort of behaved, not counting their frequent need to scratch themselves and communicate loudly with any passing insects. They kept staring at each other across the grassy stretch that served as an aisle. Linda had to hold Aphelion’s hand firmly to prevent her from lumbering over for a quick chimp-smooch in the middle and Robert had a similar hold on Perihelion's collar. She wouldn’t put it past the male chimp to pilfer the wedding rings and perform their own little ceremony.